Young James Madison exercised his right to bust rhymes.
|The baby-faced James "Little Jemmy" Madison at 32.|
…Madison did and said a number of improper things while he was at Princeton, writing abusive poems about students who belonged to the other of the college’s two debating societies.Abusive poems? It’s hard enough to believe the stern-looking Father of the Constitution was ever young, let alone that he wrote abusive poetry. I had to find them.
|This is how I'm used to seeing Madison – as so old and stern he needs to keep his head tied to his neck so it doesn't scowl its way off.|
Thankfully Founders Online came through, with three of Madison’s poems from a “paper war” between Madison’s Whig Society and their rivals The Clios. These nasty poems were read aloud in the college’s Prayer Hall, like a rap battle at Hogwarts. Madison didn't do any of the reading himself though – shy Little Jemmy was the only member of his graduating class excused from performing a required oratory. He preferred to spit his gold on the page.
By far Madison’s best (worst) piece is called “The aerial Journey of the poet Laureat of the cliosophic Society.” It’s a mythical fantasy where Clio member Samuel Spring encounters Apollo and his muses, who beat the everloving shit out of him.
|Samuel Spring, years after he was the poor subject of Madison's violent fantasy poem.|
Then Euterpe, muse of music, started whipping Spring with a dishcloth full of grease and boiling water on his “sides & back / Which lost its hide at every whack.”
That’s when things got a little weird.
Urania threw a chamber potSo Urania, muse of astronomy, beat this dude’s face to a bloody pulp with a chamber pot that I have to assume was at least filled with urine.
Which from beneath her bed she brought
And struck my eyes & ears & nose
Repeating it with lusty blows.
In such a pickle there I stood
Trickling on every side with blood
|The muses Euterpe and Urania admiring Apollo while awaiting their next victim.|
When Clio, ever grateful museThat has to be more pee, right? Maybe Little Jemmy had a thing for golden showers.
Sprinkled my head with healing dews
At least Spring is finally getting some relief in the form of muse dew. The worst is surely behind him. Right?
Then took me to her private roomThe muse of history peed on his head and cut off his balls. That seems like overkill if the only objective was to improve his karaoke game.
And straight an Eunuch out I come
My voice to render more melodious
A recompense for sufferings odious
|In Charles Meynier's painting, Clio the muse of history looks ready to make some Eunuchs.|
Clio returned Spring to earth and promised he would be famous, as long as he gave up writing poems about the Whigs:
But mark me well if e’er you tryMadison wasn’t just saying Sam Spring would make an ass of himself if he dared poetry-battle the superior Whigs – if Spring didn’t give up the pen, he would turn into a literal donkey, Pinocchio-style.
In poetry with Whigs to vie
Your nature’s bounds you then will pass
And be transformed into an ass
At the end of the poem, it turned out Spring’s dream was more than just a dream. He forgot Clio's warning...
And wrote an ode and then essay’d
To sing a hymn and lo! He bray’d
|This is what happens when you poem-battle James Madison.|
Madison was only 20 years old when he wrote this poem, but some of his defining qualities were on display even then – a command of the pen as weapon, an attraction to strong, powerful women (hello, Dolley), and a penchant for doing his best work behind the scenes.
A lifetime later when Madison was 81, he told John Quincy Adams he had “never myself been favored with the inspiration of the Muses.”
If the muses were anything like Madison described, I’d say he got off lucky.