George Washington Did WHAT to Prostitutes?!

---

George Washington wenched.

As a young general during the French and Indian War, George Washington very likely paid for sex. According to biographer James Thomas Flexner:

“Although he drank and gambled and (we gather) wenched as did his officers, he was known as a stern disciplinarian in military matters.”

First, thank you, James Thomas Flexner, for slipping in that salacious supposition in a subordinate clause like it’s the most matter-of-fact thing in the world that the father of our country had hookers. But what the hell does "we gather" mean? Who is “we” and how did we gather that?

Maybe this is what I get for reading Flexner's one-volume consolidation instead of his four-volume epic Washington biography. Maybe I'm missing out on supporting details, like a diary entry from Washington saying “Warring with these French and Indians makes me weary. Nothing, save wenching, improves my demeanor.” Maybe one of the four volumes is entirely devoted to Washington's wenching. I'll never know.

What struck me most here was not that Washington wenched. Why wouldn’t he? He was 26 years old, single, and his deism didn’t include strict religious scruples against it. Nothing about his wenching changes the strong leader and husband he went on to be.

No, what struck me most was Flexner's use of the word “wenched.” Where has this term been all my life? Such a perfect word that turns a noun into a verb with no need for a direct object. Few words so succinctly answer the questions “what did he do and with whom?” Usually when nouns are verbified they take on the action of doing what their noun does, e.g, “The whore whored.” But the wench didn't wench -- the wencher wenched!

I don’t want to sound sexist here – I believe anyone can be a wench if they put their mind to it. And anyone paying for those services has the right to be referred to as concisely as possible.

So I propose we bring back the verb “wench” in all its forms to honor the late James Thomas Flexner. And George Washington. And America. I’m not asking you to wench yourself or do anything that makes you uncomfortable; I’m simply proposing that when circumstances call for it, you refer to wenchers and wenching by the best words possible. I get that this might not come up in conversation very often, so I’m taking my case to someone who can bring this word to the masses.

Who, you ask, could throw out this word in an appropriate situation and get it to catch fire?

ICE-T!

That’s right. Rapper and actor Ice-T, star of Law & Order: SVU.

Based on my gut, approximately 25% of SVU episodes contain references to soliciting prostitutes. All I’m asking you to do, Ice-T (or writers of Ice-T’s dialogue), is to slip in a wenching. One time. See how it feels.

Here’s an example:

ICE-T: We caught him wenching in Queens.

It sounds like a real term used by a real elite squad!

Here’s another:

OLIVIA BENSON: The perp was brought in for solicitation last April. 

ICE-T: Yeah, he wenched all right. It was especially heinous.

Other cast members can participate too!

ELLIOTT STABLER: I’ve come back for you, Liv. I’ve always loved you.

OLIVIA BENSON : Oh, El. Let me book this perp for wenching and then let’s get some coffee together forever. 

It sounds so natural!

Please, if you or someone you know works on Law & Order: SVU, or if you happen to be Ice-T, help me out with this wenching thing. For James, for George, for johns, and for (we gather) America.

Plodding Through The Presidents on Facebook for more like this!

Dog Unidentified

---

Sometimes the smallest mysteries are the most intriguing.

I've decided to read a biography of every US president in chronological order. To make this less daunting, I've also decided there will be no time limit. I'm not the first to do this (or even the first to blog about it) but maybe I can be the slowest! A few friends asked me to write reviews of each book I read, but I'm more interested in sharing random thoughts along the way.

Since this is my first post, I'll share a little background. I didn't want to start this blog until I knew the project would stick. So far I've read biographies of Washington and Adams, so I'm 5% of the way there. My entries about Washington and Adams will be retrospective, but my reactions to Jefferson and beyond will be more raw.

My process in choosing which biography to read (in case you were wondering) involves reading lots of Amazon reviews and considering the length and focus of the book and its general availability, with a slant toward newer biographies because they're just more fun and maybe the author's been on The Daily Show.

But I didn't choose which Washington bio to read myself. Last Christmas, my lovely wife (then fiancee) Jess decided to start me on my journey through the presidents by giving me James Thomas Flexner's Washington: The Indispensable Man.

Flexner had written an enormous four-volume tome on Washington, and later released a condensed single version because he wanted people like me to read it.

What struck me first was the inside front cover, the painting "View of Mount Vernon with the Washington Family on the Piazza" by Benjamin Henry Latrobe.

In the caption, Flexner lists the characters in the painting and adds, "dog unidentified." It occurred to me he could have just said "and dog" or left the animal out entirely, but that's not how Flexner rolls. Clearly he wished he could tell us who that dog was, because of course the beloved creature had a name, an identity, and probably a crucial role in Washington's second term...but the truth eluded him.

It was clear in Flexner's book that Washington and his contemporaries knew they were living in a historically significant time and the details of their lives would be preserved. The simple phrase "dog unidentified" stuck with me as a reminder that some of the simpler things just can't be known.

Mount Vernon's website listed the painting in its collection (it's now at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History), and their description read: "Nelly's dog, Frisk, plays on the lawn with a child, possibly belonging to Washington's aide, Tobias Lear."

What. The. Hell. Nelly was Washington's step-granddaughter, and according to MountVernon.org, the dog unidentified isn't unidentified at all, it's Frisk, her pet spaniel. (No one seems to care who the child was. No one.)

James Thomas Flexner died in 2003, or else I would try to contact him and ask him if Frisk's identity was only recently discovered, or if he was well aware of this whole "Frisk" theory but wasn't having it. Or maybe Flexner found some evidence, some conspiracy, some...Friskgate that produced a shadow of a doubt shadowy enough that he couldn't in good conscience identify the dog.

Frisk?

Whatever the case, it makes me think my wife made a good choice by choosing an author whose attention to detail meant I was in good hands. In a world where so much information is available instantly, it gives me hope that some things still remain a mystery.